Keith and I come from families that read constantly.  I remember Mom and Judy swapping grocery bags stuffed with books.  My mom always had a book going – in fact, several:  One each in or by her chair in the den, bedside, car, purse and yes, one in the bathroom.  No Christmas or birthday was complete without a new book.  Or two.  Or three.   My first external validation of childhood responsibility was acquiring a library card – from a Houston Book Mobile that camped in a grocery store parking lot, long before Meyer Branch Library was built.

Keith and I love to read.  Our 1992 “Three Wise Woodworths” Christmas card plus….

…the Christmas card insert.   I’ll bet I read “Muppets in my Neighborhood” to Rachel 500 times.

But over time, what do you do with books?  Swap them around, sure.  Sell an occasional load to Half Price Books, maybe.  Build/buy more shelves, assuredly.  I quit keeping any but the most rare of freshly-acquired books soon after we moved here, simply because our den and bedroom shelves overflowed.

Enter the e-Reader.

I am not a technological early adopter.  I love technology – when it works for me.  But I have no interest in being “first.”  I am more than willing for someone else to work out the bugs and let the price drop before I buy a new toy.

Keith is a technological early adopter.  The financial constraints of providing for a six-person family, however, mean that he can’t always “be first” as he usually was when he was single.  He has to weigh purchases with their value for six people, not just one.  But when he buys – wow, he knows what’s doing.   He’s been a forums user since the 90′s and scours scores of tech sites daily.   He is our family’s source for knowledge of all things that must boot.

Keith switched to an e-Reader – specifically, a Barnes & Noble Nook – about two years ago.  His motto:  “No more dead tree.”  He carries his scri-fi loaded Nook everywhere he might have a chance to read on it  He no longer buys – and very seldom reads – paper books.

I downloaded the Amazon Kindle, Nook, Borders Kobo and iBooks apps for my iPad last Christmas and slowly began to read e-Books, enticed by a great holiday sale at Borders.  I liked e-Reading fine, but still refused to chant “no dead tree.”  After a year of e-Reading mixed with paper reading, I can see advantages/disadvantages to each – especially since Lois, Hannah, Julia and my sister Judy got Nooks for Christmas this year.

Lois’ Nook on its charger amidst her desk clutter.  The best books I read this year were “Empire of the Summer Moon,” and “The Immortal Henrietta Lacks,” and I read them digitally.

Advantages to an e-Reader

1.  Portability.  You can carry multiple books with you easily.  When I traveled with “dead tree,” I always carried three books – the one I was currently reading, my next planned book and a third, just in case the “next planned” was a dog.  Now I just slip my iPad in my carry-on and I’m done.

2.  Ease of reading.  As I’ve – ummm, “matured” – I’ve noticed font sizes getting smaller.  Any decent e-reader allows font size change, brightness change (if back lit), etc.  One exception:  Most e-readers have small screens.  As Judy has pointed out – “I wish there was more on a page.”  Tablets have the bigger screens, but are also pricey.

3.  Familiarity.  My kids have always lived in a digital world.  They are more comfortable with electronics than other media.  Rachel bought her own Nook a few months ago and has more than doubled the amount of time she reads for pleasure.  We’re hoping an e-Reader will do the same for Julia, who seldom reads for fun unless goaded.

“The Magic Tree House” reads better digitally, I’m told…..

4.  Convenience.  Want that book?  Just log in and download it from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc.  No wasting gas driving to a b&m (bricks and mortar) store, or waiting on UPS to deliver the box.

5.  Storage.   Look around.  Enough said.

Advantages to “Dead Tree”

1.  Personalization.  An inscribed bo0k means something – at least to me.  I don’t think an Amazon gift card for a Kindle book is nearly as personal as an inscribed tome.  More practical, yes, but not as personal.

I find it difficult to give away any book my mom inscribed to me.  Ridiculous, because she was more than pen and ink.  But still difficult.  I met author Robert Massie at a luncheon this fall.  He inscribed a copy of his new “Catherine the Great” to Julia.  After I read it, I’ll place that “dead tree” copy in her room.  She’ll appreciate it one day.  I hope.

2.  Ease of sharing.  Amazon plus Barnes and Noble have very limited sharing ability.  99.99% of the time, if you bought the book, it can only be read via the device associated with your account.  You can’t – as I have done for so many years – throw that book in a closet for your next trip to Houston to hand off to your sister.

3.  Annotating.  You can digitally annotate, but my fat fingers don’t like tiny keyboards.  It’s easier for me to grab a yellow highlighter and a pen to mark up whatever devotional our Wednesday night bible class is studying.

4.  Better choices in the public library.  At least in San Antonio, the digital choices are slim compared to paper.  And who has time to drive to the library?  I just don’t.  I grew up an avid library user (both public and school) but found that after I had kids, I simply did not have time to work in non-essential car trips, or patience for one more due date.  Sounds whiny, but true.

Neutral Factors

1.  Cost.  Sure, there’s an entry cost to e-Readers, but devices have gotten much cheaper – and prices continue to fall.  I don’t think entry cost is significant any longer if you’re buying an e-Reader.  Now if you’re buying a tablet with e-Reader apps – that’s different.  Tablets definitely carry a significant entry cost.  Also, the cost of e-books versus paper books has narrowed to about $1 for new releases.  Of course, used paper books and/or late release paperbacks are cheaper.   Commensurately, late release paperback prices for e-Readers  are lower, too.  I know there are a million variables, and I am generally pretty frugal with entertainment money and – ceteris parabis – I think the costs are closing in on “equal” for most purchases.

As part of cost…..if you lose a paperback book, it’s usually an annoyance, but not a big deal.  I’ve left them on the bus, at the doctor’s office, etc.  Irritating, but not devastating.  If I lost my iPad, I’d be crushed.  Crippled.  Inconsolable.  In addition to being without my best friend, it’d cost $500+ to replace it.  So I do not carry my iPad on the bus, where I none-too-gently sling around my “blue bag.”  If/when I see a killer deal on Nooks, I think I’ll get myself one strictly as my “leave the house” reader.  I tend to take care of my possessions and wouldn’t plan to lose it or break it, but if I did, I wouldn’t tear my clothes and cover myself in ashes like I would if it were my iPad.

My “bus bag, ” souvenir of working the 1992 Republican Convention.  It will wear out one day (as the numerous small holes enlarge) but in the meantime, it carries my lunch, an umbrella and my current “bus book.”  I have an entire section of a wall unit crammed with a diminishing supply of paperbacks ($.50@) and hard backs ($1@) we bought in April at the NEISD used book sale.  We’ve gone every year but I wonder if we’ll go in 2012?  I kind of doubt it.

2.  Inventory.  If it’s new, a classic or sold well in the last 50 years, chances are there’s an e-version.

I hope your 2012 is filled with life, laughter and lots of good books – however you read them.

I didn’t rationalize her plight and minimize my own responsibility by saying, “Well, Rachel, I can’t save you because there may be a drowning child somewhere else, and really, what I need to be doing is dictating mandatory swimming lessons worldwide, and/or lobbying legislators to require 24×7 lifeguards at every body of water.”  No.  My child needed me.  I jumped.

Sometimes, children need to be saved.

This week, I’ve been both irritated and horrified at UNICEF’s war against international adoption. UNICEF seems to believe that the “answer” to the needs of orphans is to improve the conditions in their home countries so there’s no need for international adoptions.  How lofty.  How noble.  That kumbaya-chanting ideal assumes (1) that all global economic imbalances can be solved and (2) that all parents want custody of and/or are capable of caring for their children.

The day she left Children’s Home #47, Julia’s friends wished her to be happy, be healthy, remember Russia and obey her grandmother.  I play “what if” often – like, what if Keith and I were 10 years younger with a bucket’o'money?  Would we adopt again?  Look at those kids.  Oh, yes, we would.

Global economic imbalances are a harsh reality.  The world has been and will be – until Jesus returns – a place where “the poor will always be with us.” As a Christian and a human being, I am sorry for the families without clean water, or enough to eat.   And while I wish I could wave a magic wand and make – say,Ethiopia – a land of plenty, I can’t.   And even if I could, that doesn’t mean that every Ethiopian parent would want custody or or was capable of caring for children.

Modern adoption language discourages terms like “saving children.”  And we are never supposed to say children were “given up for adoption,” oh no, it’s “the bio parents made an adoption plan.”  I know all the now-correct language to use.  But really – I think 99% of that stuffola really only applies to in-country, US-adoptions, almost always with infants.  When you’re holding a cooing little bundle of blue in a U.S. hospital for whom you’ve waited years to fill that empty crib – great.  Be all correct in your language.  Get out the whole “birth triad” language book out and jabber away.

But when you are adopting internationally – especially when you have other children – oh, please!  All of it just makes me grit my teeth.  What is wrong with flat-out acknowledging that yes, you’re adopting – but at least part of your motivation is in saving a child?  I’ve spoken to families who pulled children out of hellish situations in Africa, Russia, South America, etc..  When a family adopts a scar-ravaged Colombian toddler removed from the custody of a bio mother that almost burned him to death – ‘cmon, that child was most definitely saved and there was no “adoption plan” made.  That family, BTW, had several bio children already.  I have a blogging buddy in Michigan I admire tremendously.  She and her husband had three bio kids before adopting a school-age girl from Russia.   Now they’re adopting a Ukrainian teenager set to age-out of the orphanage.  Statistics say he’ll have a short, bitter life of crime – assuming, of course, he doesn’t commit suicide soon, as 20% of those kids do.  Her family is not trying to solve the poverty problem in the Ukraine.  They can’t.  They’re just going to rescue a little 15-year-old piece of it.

Fixing a whole country is just too big.  The families I know that have adopted intentionally can’t do that as individuals, and don’t believe it’s the job of the United States to shoulder world reform.   But they feel called to do “something.”  So – like most of us – they do what they can.

UNICEF’s answer to the orphan is, “We’ll get your whole country fixed and then your parents can keep you.  You’ll have no need to be adopted intentionally.  Wait.  Just wait.”

But children – as we all know – can’t wait.

Sometimes, you just have to jump in and save them.

It’s been a few years since I’ve posted any, so, I thought I’d do so again.  And again, I must credit Sharon Durham with many of them.  Sharon and I spent many chuckling afternoons in the original SBC e-channel “tricking shopping carts.”  I still remember her talking about a $50 credit she finangled in the early days of Shutterfly and how she “ate off it a long time.”  My hero!

Here goes….feel free to add your own in the Comments…..I’d love to give ‘em a try!

Online Bottom-Feeding

Turn Me Loose – I Hear e-Shopping Music!  (Part Deux)

Join Online Loyalty Programs

Online loyalty programs reward you for clicking through from their site to an e-commerce site. The rewards accumulate, and the programs are free – so why not?! My personal favorites:

www.upromise.com – Perhaps the most famous. Started by the guy who birthed the American Express program. SBC was a member 2004 – 2006. Grab your wallet and spend about 15 minutes to register all your credit and debit cards. When you click through from Upromise to a member site, a timed mechanical feed updates your account with $x% of the amount you spent. Many restaurants and some B&M (bricks and mortar) stores rebate, too, so, when in doubt – pay with plastic. Be sure to get the Upromise credit card, not because you need another, but because they offer great promos, especially on Exxon gas. The marketing hook is “money for college,” but that’s bogus. It’s your money – for anything – and you can withdraw it any time. You sure don’t have to invest it in any of their college savings plans, but they’ll keep pushing them.

www.mypoints.com – Really growing the last few years. U-verse has had offers in its permission marketing emails. Points are awarded – each point is worth roughly $.008 (not quite a penny.) Redeem points for gift cards. Get points by (1) clicking thru from their one-time, daily emails – you get usually get 5 points just for clicking – don’t have to buy anything (2) clicking thru from their daily or weekly e-mail summaries of the day’s or week’s best deals (some are quite good!) or (3) going to their site and clicking thru to an e-tailer. Be sure to enroll in their daily and weekly email programs.

I always check both Upromise and MyPoints to see who’s offer the better incentive. 4% on Upromise = 5 points per dollar on My Points.

Lots of other loyalty programs, of course like www.shoprunner.com

 ALWAYS Look for a Promo Code

Even if you click-thru from a loyalty site – check for a promo code! Favorites (of scores):

www.retailmenot.com www.naughtycodes.com

No luck? Google for one. Surprising what you’ll find.

Daily Deals – They’re a “Must”

Register at these sites for their daily emails. Also, you can “like” many on Facebook and get their deals in your feeds.

www.woot.com One deal, one day – unless it’s a “woot-off.” In a woot-off, the one item changes as soon as the inventory is depleted. $5 shipping. Deal changes at 12M CST. Worth checking if you’re up anyway – don’t wait for the email!

www.dailydeals.target.com – Not fabulous but truly good and all have free shipping

Amazon  - The Big Kahuna

Groupon – Watch the expiration dates. They’re getting kind of snarky.

Living Social - As good as Groupon but not as well known.

http://deals.mamapedia.com – Mostly baby/toddler stuff

www.kgbdeals.com – Heavier on services than on products

www.midnightbox.com – Heavy on electronics

www.grouppigg.com – Heavy on services

http://www.dealofthedaysa.com/ – Lots of restaurants

www.urbandealight.com – Heavy on personal services like spas

www.dealster.com – All over the board

www.midnightbox.com – Heavy on electronics

www.angieslist.com – (“The Big Deal”) Major home services

During the holidays, www.samsclub.com has a daily deal which is excellent w/free shipping

MyPoints, Upromise & Daily Deals – An Sweet Marriage

Daily deals are sweet, but they can be even sweeter if either (1) the deal site itself is a standing member of MyPoints and/or Upromise or (2) the daily deal is being given MyPoints or Upromise credit. So don’t just “rush” buying a daily deal. Look at Upromise and MyPoints first to see if the deal site itself is a member and if so – click through to buy. If the deal site itself isn’t participating as an entity in MyPoints or Upromise – and you’re a MyPoints member – wait until the daily email arrives just to see if it’s got a one-day point assignment.

Just this week, there was a Groupon for Quiznos. Great! My family likes Quiznos. But by waiting a few hours for the MyPoints daily email, I also got 8 points per dollar by clicking through from it to buy the Groupon for Quiznos. Like that better!

Show Me The (Saved) Money

These sites all feature a variety of deals.

www.slickdeals.net This is my home page. I check it several times a day. It’s a bulletin board site for every kind of deal. The most-clicked deals float to the top, but you can search, too. Fabulous during the holidays. You know the lame “My Coke Rewards” redemptions? Well, sometimes Coke has good ones, like Home Depot cards – but you won’t find them poking around the Coke Site. You’ll often find that someone has posted the URLs in slickdeals.net, however. I <3 slickdeals.net.

www.theblackfriday.com Don’t stand in all those lines!

http://www.dealsofamerica.com/indexc.php Less user-friendly than slickdeals, but still good.

Favorite e-tailers? Register for Their Permission Marketing

Might as well get their coupons, etc. and if you’ve not bought in awhile, they might send you a tasty offer. Remember that your email address is almost always your Account ID. So if there is some great offer out there and you want multiples – you need a few throw-down email addresses handy to establish multiple accounts and take advantage of the offer multiple times. You can have 9 active subaccounts with a Yahoo! Primary account…just saying…..

Buy Gift Cards?

http://www.plasticjungle.com/ – They don’t always have what you want in stock but when they do – nice! You can also sell unwanted gift cards here.

The Best-Kept Secret in Online Shopping

www.auctions.samsclub.com – If I never set foot in a Sam’s warehouse, I’d keep a membership just for the auction site. Their prices are good anyway but add an auction layer – wow! Powered by eBay, but run by Sam’s. Terrific in the weeks after the gift-giving holidays. You pay $1 over the next lowest bid for what you purchase. (So if I bid $100, and Barbara bids $75 – I get the item for $76.) Their shipping charges are very reasonable. My strategy:

• First check http://www.google.com/prdhp and/or http://thisfind.com to find the going price.
• If I’m mildly interested, I’ll bid 1/4 – 1/3 of that price just to see what happens.
• If I am very interested, I’ll bid half.
• If I really want it – I’ll bid 2/3. And I’ll make sure I check my email frequently, because Sam’s will tell me when I’m being outbid.

 Now you do know that any price in a Sam’sstore ending in “1” is below their cost? Right? So be sure to cherry-pick through the store as well as sniffing around that dark back corner.

While We’re Chatting

www.restaurant.com has skyrocketed in popularity. Two things to remember about it:

• Never, ever buy a certificate without a coupon code. Register at their site for permission marketing, and/or check slickdeals.net. There’s almost always a 40 or 50% promo code floating around.
• They’ve gotten really restrictive the last few years. So check the restrictions carefully before you buy. The certificates are a good deal only if you use them.

 http://www.visitsanantonio.com/visitors/save/VisitSaveOnlineClub.aspx – If you host out of town company, you can save a few dollars with these coupons. They’re not great, but they’re better than nothing, especially when people show up without much notice. You need to register and start getting their permission marketing emails before you can get the discounts.

www.squaretrade.com – I totally swear by this company. Great warranty deals and their service is incredible. Yes, I’m raving. They deserve it. Be sure to “like them” on Facebook for exclusive offers. Also register for their permission marketing. They give a 90-day grace period on purchases, so, if you’re planning to buy expensive electronics, start watching for a coupon code, because they’re usually in the 20 – 30% range. After my first SquareTrade warranty purchase, they sent me a paper letter w/a code good for 50% off my next purchase. You do pay extra for breakage, but hey – AppleCare doesn’t cover that at all.

Happy e-$hopping!  And do post your favorite tips in “Comments,” okay?!

Today Rachel bought mini-pumpkins for all to decorate.

Rachel’s inclusive rainbow pattern…

……and on another, a simple reminder of the holiday

Lois’ pumpkin isn’t finished yet.  After this first coat is dry, she’ll continue to decorate it as an apple.  Why?  “To fill the cracks of my heart, since you won’t get me an Apple i-Touch.”   As Keith sing-songs to them at least once a week, “Life is so hard, my parents are so mean.”

Hannah shows her Twilight fixation….

…including painting Bella, Edward and Jacob on the back.  She claims membership in “Team Edward.”  Hourly.

Yep, that’s Julia’s “Trick or Death.”

When all dry – the pumpkins may join other decorations on the fireplace.  Aunt Judy gave Rachel that stuffed white ghost when she was two or three years old.

My favorite fireplace decoration is the candy can toddler Hannah made in pre-school.

Halloween breakfast plates – of course!   I have a terrible, terrible dish weakness.  Breakfast/dessert plates for Easter, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas – I’ve got ‘em.   It’s a sickness.  There was a super-cute set at the Disney outlet store a few months ago that I didn’t dare buy.  I was afraid Keith would set the dishes outside – and me with them.

Halloween flag out front….Thanksgiving flag is on top of the stack, ready to go next….  Did you know Halloween is the second only to Christmas in decorating dollars spent?

Lois and Hannah are soon to host the Halloween party for the Latin Club at school, and we’ll be going to the church “Fall Festival” soon, too.

I know a lot of folks – especially Christian friends – object to Halloween.  “It’s Satanic, its origins are evil, etc.”  Maybe so, maybe not, I don’t care. Whatever primitive people did or do now – just don’t care.  For me, it’s always been about dressing up, feeling down to the bottom of the bag for the caramels and having fun….except in 5th grade, when the only costume in my size was Fred Flintstone.  Having to wear a boy’s costume was more horrifying that any “ghost” in his mom’s old sheet, I tell you.

I don’t argue with anyone about their choice to have fun, or, instead, turn off their porch light.

But for me – we’ll be handing out candy* October 31.  Big boo-tiful handfuls of it.

Enjoy!

*San Antonio friends – We are gathering “stuff” for Samaritan’s Purse boxes.  I will go to Wal-Mart and buy about $100 worth of candy on 11/1.  If you have any left-over, non-chocolate (non-melty) candy or gum you’d like to contribute – just bring it to work, church or our house on or before Wednesday, 11/3 – when we’ll be packing.

I’ve taken a variation of this shot since 2003. There’s something fun about placing one foot in one country, and the other foot in a second country.

Had to chuckle at this text to Keith’s iPhone, which was wisely set in airplane mode.  The last time we’d gotten that message was on last year’s cruise.

The best selection of purses we found was actually in a pharmacia.  “Juicy” was the big brand, in the $28 – $70 range.  Lots of “Coach,” too, plus “Chanel.”   “Chanel” scarves, wallets and sneakers to match.  I was looking for a new backpack purse as mine is three years old and starting to look it, but the only ones I saw were fugly chunky leather.  No “Kate Spade” or “Dooney and Burke.”    Gum wrapper purses – still very available, and in the $10 – $25 range, depending on size.

Best quote of the trip – from Lois, to Julia – “A slingshot – yet another thing you’re not getting.”  Julia is not enamored of purses and dresses, but did score a large plaster parrot for her room, and a stash of Mexican candy.  Actually, you don’t have to buy the child anything to make her happy.  Just plunk her down in a motel.  She loves the entire experience – little bars of soap, a different bed, setting the air conditioner (or – in her case, which endeared her to her sisters in the wee hours – flipping on the heater), the ice machine, the room key – everything about a motel.

Keith had to drive 250 miles to buy San Antonio habanero  sauce?  Hannah’s in awe.

The street vendors loved Rachel, whom I think bought at least one bracelet of every style.

Love this picture of Julia, because it so says whom she is.  Everyone else collapsed at a table during a Coca-Cola Light (Diet Coke) break.  Not Julia.  She climbed onto a bar stool so she could survey her surroundings.  Julia does not walk – she skips, hops, struts or runs.  And she does not sit.  She’s “on the lookout” for what’s next.

Speaking of Coke – Hannah always buys a bottle of “the real thing” with real Mexican sugar.  A jaunt to Mexico is the one time I do not forbid sugared soft drinks.  We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

Our favorite lunch stop – La Fogato – was empty except for our table, and one other. The girls and I wolfed the delicious pico de gallo, but Keith declined, “just in case one of us needed to be able to drag five of you out of the bathroom.”

The eldest three purchased dresses, which they wore to Chili’s for dinner Saturday night (American side.)  We don’t stay in Mexico after dark anyway, but especially not this year. The “South Padre Island Bike Fest” was just up the road, and we figured they’d be coming to Progresso for an evening of partying.  They did.  When we crossed the border at 4 p.m., there were already dozens of hard-drinking, leather-clad bikers roaring down the streets.

As much fun as we had – and we really did – the trip was kind of sad, too. The family-owned-for-generations shop where Keith bought his “tortuga giganta” two years ago?  Closed.   Roxy’s – the upscale shop where we bought so many lovely crosses and talavera last year -closed.   I’d guess half to two-thirds of the side street/alley shops were vacant.  Why?   Even though Progresso has been spared the drug violence that has ruined other crossing spots (Laredo, Tijuana, etc.) for tourists – Americans are scared to cross.  I can understand that.  Even in Progresso, there’s a tank and soldiers at the entrance to the city – though I actually find that less threatening than comforting.  Maybe Mexico is serious about keeping it safe.

I really don’t care how many drug lords and runners kill themselves.  I really don’t.  I know I should.  I know God loves them just as much as He loves me.  I know their souls are precious.  And I still don’t care.  As far as I an concerned, you could lock them all in a cement cage with guns and let them shoot each other to shreds and the world would be a better place.

What I do care about is what this horrendous violence is doing to decent people across the border.  That guy selling gum wrapper purses is trying to support his family.  That woman desperately trying to interest you in her blankets has kids at home – and maybe on the street right next to you – that are hungry.  And yet they are the ones that suffer from this godless insanity.  You can’t make a living from tourism when they are no tourists.  And there are fewer and fewer tourists as more and more Americans are caught in the violence - 48 in the first half of this year alone.

Laredo provided decades of enjoyment for my family.  Then Keith and I acknowledged it was simply too dangerous to visit any longer, so we switched to Progresso.  And now we see Progresso withering, not because of drug violence, but because of the (very understandable) fear of it.

I’m especially glad we went this weekend, because as Keith said before we left, “This trip could be our last.”

I hope not.  Not only for us-the-tourists, but also for the decent people that are just trying to make a living.

I’m not proud of being impatient.  I’m not looking for a dozen friends to reassure me, “Oh, now, I saw you be patient when…..”   It’s just the way I am.  Though I usually hide it better than I’ve hidden it the last few hot, cloying weeks of summer.

Is it the really heat that’s sucking the life out of me?  Or the humidity?  Or being 54 years old?  Other than financially, summer is my least-stressed time of year.  I don’t cook much.  I don’t rush to fix breakfasts in the morning, or race to fix dinner in the evening.  There’s no child in after-school care anxiously awaiting my arrival.  I’m not in a frenzy to grab Chick-Fil-A and  to make it to church Wednesday night.  I still do laundry daily, but there’s less of it.  Nobody needs an emergency trip to Wal-mart to finish a project.  Yet I find myself less and less patient when I get home and find a mess in the den, or unwashed dishes, or a dozen pairs of cast-off shoes in the entryway.

I always think – and now too often say – “Why have you left a mess?  Didn’t I tell you what to do?  Didn’t I write it down for you?  You’re my child.  Don’t you have any better sense than this?”

I listen to K-Love on the drive to and from the bus stop (and sometimes on the bus, thanks to the iPhone app) not because I am a “good person.”  I’m not a “good person.”  Believe me, I know.  I listen to contemporary Christian music because it helps center me.   Worshiping the one true God of the universe puts my day in perspective.

The other morning, the DJ was reading from the book of James, which is my favorite.  I don’t need a theology degree to understand James.    “Take note of this.  Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Hmmm.

And then I thought – God is probably looking at me every evening thinking, “Why have you left a mess?  Didn’t I tell you what to do?  Didn’t I write it down for you?  You’re my child.  Don’t you have any better sense than this?”

James also tells me “…to be patient then.. until the Lord’s coming.”

That could be tonight, or tomorrow – when I’m tripping over the pile of flip-flops by the front door.

Sigh.

Okay.  Tomorrow, I’ll give this patience thing one more try.

Let’s hope I learn it quickly.

We know our family.  With three older girls, we felt another girl had the best chance of attaching.  Aged 4 – 8 we felt was young enough to mold, distanced enough from Hannah and old enough for us to shepherd her into adulthood.  No serious medical, emotional or physical conditions – with both of us working outside the home, we weren’t seeking more of a challenge than we’d already have simply by adopting.  Ours was a faith journey, and while we were trusting God to sort it all out, we weren’t going to be foolish.  We weren’t going to say “any child” and be matched with a three-legged, 15-year-old pyromaniac.  We didn’t specify race because – based on the demographics of St. Pete – we figured our girl would look like some flavor of us.  Not a clone.  But close enough not to attract rude stares.  I grew up with a limbless brother and know how siblings are affected by one-offs.  I wasn’t going to willfully subject my kids to that sly scrutiny – period.

The adoption forums, blogs, etc. are stuffed with families’ preferences, many of which express a desire for a child “as young as possible.”   Most couples want babies.  I understand that.  We didn’t.  But I understand why most do.  Attachment is certainly easier.  Most families – especially if they’d done much research – also want kids that look like them.  More points of commonality = easier to attach, for both parents and children.  If other children are in the family – easier for them, too.  Also easier if the child is added to the family in birth order, if there’s only one adopted at a time (unless bio siblings), etc.

That’s not to say that transracial, out-of-birth-order, multiply-adopted children can’t attach.   Not at all.  We all know families for whom these adoptions have worked.  But every stray card you’re dealt decreases your chances of attachment.  Harsh – but true.

I’m not criticizing how families choose to adopt.  I wouldn’t presume to.  I just know that for us – we wanted to increase our chances for success every way we could.

The adoption blogs and boards are ablaze now with news from Italy.  Its government has decided to outlaw race as a criteria for adoption.  So Italian PAPs (Prospective Adoptive Parents) can no longer specify a child’s desired race.

This sounds so brave, so wonderful, so egalitarian.  Who could argue with a decree so noble?

I notice – perhaps unfairly – that those who support this type of Big Brother edict have never adopted, or are past the age where it matters.

I notice – perhaps unfairly – that those who have never adopted are quick to tell those of us who have what they think they would do if they did adopt.  “Well, I’d never look at race.  A child is just a child.”  “I’d take a whole houseful, not just one.”  “I’d never change a child’s name.”  And on and on.

I notice – perhaps unfairly – that those who are past the age where it matters cast a golden glow on their parenting experiences.  “When we got Sally, we never asked about race.”  No, you didn’t have to.  It was assumed.

When I’ve spoken to families adopting who already have children, their #1 concern is ensuring the kids they have aren’t hurt by the experience.   Adoption begins with loss, and it’s always a gamble.  How many risks are you going to layer on the children you already have?

If Italy is going to declare race off limits to adoptive families, how about the child’s age?  Teens aren’t “as young as possible” though, are they?  How about physical or mental challenges?  Surely everyone has the resources to handle those?  Gender – my gosh, surely that shouldn’t matter?   The child’s friends – can’t leave them behind, now can we?

Where does government dictating to PAPs end?

I think Italians will likely choose alternative paths.  The less wealthy won’t adopt if they can’t have the most basic control over the first and most fundamental, God-given unit of society:  The Family.  The more wealthy will go black market, or live elsewhere long enough to adopt.  Or they’ll adopt only from countries – like Russia – that are likely to offer children similar in appearance to them, bypassing Italian children languishing in foster care.

Adoption is – contrary to much politically-correct babble – not just “about the child.”  It’s about the whole family – its desires, its goals, its limitations.

That may not be fair.

But it’s true.

And I notice it.

Last week, an American mother returned her seven-year-old adopted son to Russian after seven months in her home.   She felt her life was endangered by his behavior, including his threats to burn down their home.  She had her mother put him on a non-stop flight to Moscow, where Russian officials promptly hustled him off to a hospital for a physical examination.

Julia’s first plane ride was part of a 27-hour coming home marathon.

The mother was wrong on sooooo many levels, not the least of which is that now Russian officials are – once again – looking at suspending all adoptions.    We were caught in a similar mess in 2004 – 2006, which is why our adoption  took 21 long months.  My heart breaks for the families in process who have a referral, or who are waiting on court dates to book that oh-so-important second trip.

The Russian adoption community is in a furor.  With blogs, forums, Facebook and other forms of social networking – even with relatively few of us – it’s easy to make contact with other families.  And they are steamed.

3,702 Russian adoptions in 2006, when Julia came home

I understand the furor.  In no way, shape or form do I condone what the mother did.  In fearing for her own life, she destroyed her son’s chance at a better one, and may have crushed the hopes of thousands of PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) as well as the abandoned children they sought to embrace.

I also understand what is too-seldom a topic of discussion:  Not all adoptions are going to be successful.  Successful means an attached child and in the case of an older child – attached parents.  To me, adopting older (past infant/toddler) children is like a marriage.  You have to go into it thinking “forever.”  They have to choose you as well as your choosing them.  And you don’t really get to date those kids before you’re married.  And like a marriage – there’s a honeymoon period.  And later – there’s just the marriage.  And what do you do when it’s not working?  Counseling?  Medication?  Structured behavioral modification? Go ask Mom for advice?  Spend more time away from home?  Or is it divorce – on, in adoption, disruption?

I don’t know what this mother or her son did and didn’t do.  The seven-year-old boy had been home only seven months.  That’s not long enough for attachment.    Was he really so badly damaged that it was not safe for her to parent him?  Maybe.  Or did she just quit trying too quickly?

But there’s another major player here – the agency.  I didn’t love our adoption agency – Buckner – every moment of our process.  In fact, Keith and my good friend Sharon can tell you about an afternoon in a Chicago conference room that I absolutely gnawed on them,  slammed down the phone and spent the evening crying.    But as I have told every PAP who has asked:  Buckner does a better job of preparing adoptive families than any other agency of which I’ve ever heard.  We had to read books, and prepare book reports.  We had to attend a two-day session in Dallas in which they basically tried to talk us out of it, telling us every horror story imaginable.   We had to pass a home study,  and after Julia was home, our social worker visited monthly for the required six months, then annually for three years.   When we needed help from Buckner after we got home, we could pick up a phone and get it.

So where was this woman’s agency – which is one of the powerhouse agencies, BTW?    Did no one from her agency discern any red flags when they met this child in Russia?   Was the mom not counseled that attachment would take longer than seven months?  Was she not visited by a social worker monthly?  Her last visit should have occurred in March, before she put her son on a plane in April.   What happened there? Was she not matched with other adoptive families – with mentors?    Was she not pushed at forums?  Was she not given books and articles to read?

If she wasn’t prepared – if she wasn’t equipped to deal with this troubled child – then yes,  I understand why she did what she did.   And her son would have been troubled.  Those kids are thrust into school not speaking the language.  They’re eating food they don’t like with people they don’t know.  They miss their orphanage mates – their family.   They miss all things familiar.   And somewhere under it all – they miss their birth parents, and they’re angry at being abandoned.  And they take that anger out on you the parent,  just like every bio child who is unhappy does, too.

Love is not enough to overcome all those circumstances.  It never, ever is.   And that is why your agency prepares you.

I’ve spoken to or emailed with parents who have awoken to their adoptive children standing over them with knives.  Children who have set fires.   Children who constantly lie, and try to break up marriages.  Children who have abused younger siblings.  Children who have stolen from home, school, church, stores, you name it.  Horrible things that generally escalate over time when a child suffers from Reactive Detachment Disorder.  Not one of those families was a Buckner family.

This child may have needed professional therapy.  If he was really threatening violence, he may well have needed 24 x 7 monitoring.  His adoptive mother was single.   How would she accomplish that plus work to pay for that therapy?

I know the adoptive community wants to vilify the mother.   And she was wrong.  Without a doubt, she was wrong.  A child is not a pair of shorts to be returned so casually.

You don’t need much preparation to decide you want shorts.  Shorts don’t threaten to burn down your house.  You don’t keep shorts forever.  You’re not paying an agency to help you find those shorts, and ensure they fit your family.

And in adoption – that fit is a very, very big deal.

I grew up with stories of my Hoosier mom – Wyoming – and her three sisters – Arizona, Oklahoma and Nevada – plus their four brothers – Hugo Denver, William S. Hart, Texas and Kirby.   My mother’s father – a despicable hillbilly drunk – was enamored with the American West.  My mother’s mother – a long-suffering Quaker – acquiesced to his moniker choices.

(l-r) Oklahoma (Mary), Wyoming (Wy), Nevada (Neva) and Arizona (Zum) in the 70′s.  To tease my mom, I’d say, “Oh, Wyoming, you’re in such a state.”

We lost Mother in 1998.  Mom’s four brothers died long ago.   Her last sister – Mary – died in the wee hours Monday.

Aunt Mary and Me in 2007

Mom and her sisters – including Aunt Mary – did not let their bleak childhood circumstances define them.   They all attended college or completed professional training; all reared/encouraged their children, nieces and nephews; all used their creativity, generosity, wit and intelligence to leave this world a far better place than they found it.

The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve marveled at what they accomplished.  They truly were “The Greatest Generation.”  I wonder if I could have done the same.   I know I’ve been given more, and accomplished less – that is not false modesty,  it’s simply truth.

I’ve grown weary in recent years of adults whining about their parents – perhaps because I tired of it in myself.   What our parents did.  Or didn’t do.  What slights, hurts and psychic sores we’ve picked at for decades.

When do you just grow up and let it go?  Seriously.  When do you?

Maybe it’s when your parents – and their siblings – are all gone.

Because then there’s no one left to blame.

You’re “it.”

I spoke to Aunt Mary at least once a week, and listening to her was sorta like hearing my mom again.   I loved her chuckling through stories about my family.  Our family.

Those stories have helped define me.  I know now, too, that the threads that weave family ties don’t always have to be knit in the same pattern.   And those threads can span generations, and even worlds.

Mom and her sisters always hated to say “goodbye.”  So I won’t.  I’ll just say, “Your life was a great story, Aunt Mary.  I’ll make sure my girls hear it.”

I miss you already. But you know that.

5’11″ no more….Hannah is taller than me now.  And as for 150….well, maybe in each thigh…..  Here’s what I look like now.

For my corporate anniversary gift, I chose diamond-crusted bling .

I love the big analog dial.  I can read it!

Very early in my career, I read three op-ed pieces in the Wall Street Journal that influenced me greatly.

First, I read a piece by Peter Drucker (the father of modern management, we learned at UH) that espoused co-workers had taken the place of neighbors.  He advocated human investment in the work place – to remember we were really people – neighbors, as it were.

The Ones to Call On:  Dennis – creator of the “Disbursement Family Feeling” – and long-suffering Vicki, who tolerated many  jokes and jolts in the 9051 Parkwest neighborhood.  I’m glad we’re all three still virtual neighbors.

Second, I read the results of a decades-long study that concluded children with two parents who worked outside the home were no more or less happy and productive than children with one parent working outside the home, providing a single critical condition was met:  Mom had to be happy at work.  If Mom wasn’t happy, nobody was happy.

Mom Lisa – who helped get blood donors at work for me and preemie Lois – has always been the best at finding something in which to rejoice.

Finally, I read an article that basically said, “You can’t do everything for or with your kids.  Find what is most important to them – do that – and don’t stress about the rest.”  Easy to say.  Hard to do.  But I’ve tried.

Early on, I noticed Mom-friends like Konen planning wonderful family beach vacations, baking for the school, etc.  Konen taught Vicki how to curse,  me how to be a gracious winner and everyone else how to quilt.   She claims no credit for imparting my mad fashion skills, like wearing vintage political campaign buttons (William Howard Taft with campaign ribbon shown here.)

The 1986 set of 40th birthday nails I painted in Konen’s honor bemused her.

Here’s what 30 years at AT&T has taught me.  Don’t expect to view this litany in the Wall Street Journal, as I did those three influential articles

1.  The 70′s divas were wrong.  You can not have it all.

When I graduated college, I  passionately embraced the feminist mantra of “You can have it all.”  I could birth or adopt brilliant children with naturally straight teeth, sprint the corporate ladder with book-smart ease, enjoy  leadership positions in a dozen community organizations, grow spiritually and support my church piously, whip up gourmet meals effortlessly every night – all while completing my MBA in my spare time.  Nothing could stop me.  Except,  of course, reality.

2.  It all has to balance, but family rules.

It is very, very tough to keep work life and home life balanced.  How late do you stay when your kids expect you to not only eat dinner with them but also to cook it?  And what’s more - you want to.

When Rachel was seven years old, she contracted a rare case of strep throat.   On the way home from the pedi, we had to pass the office….so I thought just a few minutes to check e-mail…..next thing I knew, it’d been a hour and Rachel was asleep on the floor of my cubby with give-away T-shirts cradling her feverish head.   I was disgusted with myself.  What was the matter with me?  I coded vacation, scooped her up and hurried home.  And never forgotten it.

You do your job.  You do it well.  But the job isn’t life.

3.  If you can’t be with the ones you love – love the ones you’re with.

I’ve often been uprooted from jobs, people – even a city – I really liked.  The strange thing:  There’s always been somebody good on the other side.    I would have missed meeting some really neat people if I hadn’t moved around – voluntarily or involuntarily.  My closest friends – the ones who have embraced me at my lowest – started out as work buddies.

4.  Have fun when you can.  Because you can’t always.

Look for the fun.  Take the fun.  Make the fun.  Be the fun.  While you can.

Looking for more bars in more places:  Dancin’ in the Dark with the Station 90.51 crew – Natalie, Me, Gaye, Tim & Linda

Reach Out and Touch Someone:  “Ghostbusters” debuted  while we were preparing for Divestiture.  My unit danced through the building in our hand-decorated T-shirts, jam-boxing the movie’s theme song and handing out candy on Halloween. For Christmas, we stuffed pantyhose with wadded paper, affixed a pair to each of our heads like reindeer antlers and shared candy canes.

Our units gathered for doughnuts when Natalie snipped my hot pink rat tail before I interviewed for the Rotary trip to India.   My rat tail matched my eye-scorching pink jellies and florescent pink tie – which my boss Vicki endured with raised eyebrows and a bitten tongue. That’s Margaret looking on fearfully, probably afraid I’d leave the dyed locks on her desk, like “someone” left (and photographed) the Baby Ruth in the women’s room to taunt that month’s beleaguered “Quality of Work Life” manager.

I had to be at the Astrodome for a promotion anyway….so why shouldn’t Rachel and Lois run the bases?!  Rachel also fondly remembers my pulling her out of school early for us to go “check the signage” at SBC’s “Race to the Red Planet” promotion at Space Center Houston in 1998.  She also flipped the symbolic light switch at Uptown Holiday Lighting in 1996.  And clapped for Byonce and Destiny’s Child at the Southwestern Bell African American Arts Festival.  Big fun!

5.  Do what you have to do when you have to do it.

There is never a convenient time to have or adopt a baby.  Or take vacation.  Or visit with extended family.  Or attend a funeral – as I failed to do for Judy’s  father-in-law on a Saturday afternoon when I thought SBC would crumble if I didn’t supervise cleaning up a payroll mess.  What an idiot.

6.  If you’ve not had your time in the barrel – you will.

Everyone has an “off” time at work.  If it’s not happened to you yet – it will.  Sales declines.  Monthly close bombs.  Grievances.  Outsourcing.  Health problems.  Significant issues at home.  Whatevah, baby.  It will happen.

7.  Even when things aren’t so great – take deep breaths – you don’t know what’s around the corner.

In 1984, I truly thought working on Outside Plant Divestiture would be the “biggest thing” in my career.

I worked every day from early August 1983 to mid-January 1984 with two days off – Thanksgiving and Christmas – thanks to Divestiture, Hurricane Alicia, late September flooding and a three-week labor stoppage.

Well, in 1987, I represented Southwestern Bell with Rotary in India for six weeks and even spoke to a crowd of 5,000.  “Well, that’s it.  That’s the big one.”  I thought.

Enterprise magazine featuring my favorite photo

In 1991, I politicked hard to be sent to do stories and a photo shoot on the combined Bell forces working Hurricane Andrew restoration.   Got it!  Multiple telcos ran my stories and photos.  “Wow, that’s it,” I thought.  “It’s all downhill from here.”  I could have stayed in Employee Information for many more years.  I loved it – my favorite job of all time -  but later came sports and events marketing, and I loved that, too.  And then launching up2speed in 2001 – my baby.  Plenty of jobs between all this stuff but finally -  U-verse.

U-verse has been the bomb.  It’s the culmination of everything I read more than 30 years ago, when I was slugging through books and magazines for the owner of Remco TV Rental.  Not every day is a picnic, and I don’t know what’s after U-verse – but I know the potential for something good is out there.

We may have been the only Comptrollers  Section Staff  in town, but we tried not to act like it.

The potential for something good has always been there.

This has been my 30 years – my career to date.  Delivered.